So I am sort of pursuing becoming an author; I have been writing a book on and off for some time now. I can never decide where to begin or where to move on to next. I don’t know here’s a sample, I would love some feed back!! :]
“What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.”
― Henry David Thoreau
As I stand on top of the mountain and stare down at the miniscule towns and life underneath me I get a vast sense of deep emptiness inside of me. I change my line of vision towards the beautiful blue sky letting my mind float up to the clouds and feel the vacancy start to fill, feel the loneliness start to lift. Never have I felt so close to something so mysterious; the Greater Being, God; whatever you want to call it.
The vibrations of the universe are reverberating through my soul and lifting me to a place of great pleasure and happiness. A happiness no human being or material could ever bring. I stretch out my arms allowing the gentle breeze to carry my thoughts and sorrows away, fill my nose with the fragrant scent of autumn. If I jumped at this very moment maybe I would fly? Could I put myself that close to death yet again? I could not. I was given a second chance just the day before, yet I felt so weightless and free.
I bend down and reach for the soft stone next to my feet, I run my fingers over the cold rock lifting it to my face. I rub it against my cheek feel its smooth surface, grounding me, assuring myself I am still here this isn’t heaven; or hell for that matter. “Sarah, are you alright?” I turn to see my boyfriend John calling to me from a few feet away. His worrisome face is no surprise after the events of yesterday.
“Never been better, come sit with me” I say to him. He walks cautiously to my side and we plant ourselves on the cliff edge and take in the spectacular view together. The leaves on the trees are in between summer and fall mashed together in a beautiful collage of reds, greens, yellows and oranges. The stretches of mountains seem to run on forever and the tiny granite colored buildings beneath us seems to be the size of pebbles. “Supposedly you can see all the way to Vermont and New Hampshire from here” I say nonchalantly. We sit in silence for a few more moments neither one of us really wanting to discuss yesterday.
Eventually, I decide to be the one to break the ice. “John”, I start slowly. “When I sit up here this close to the sky, this close to ‘heaven’ I feel whole and it’s almost as if I am more connected to the world altogether now. As if I know some secret no one else does. I feel like I can understand every living being, I feel the mood of the trees and the animals. I feel a compassion towards life I have never felt before!”
“I’m not surprised”, he says with a small laugh. “I mean, you died and came back Sarah, people say all sorts of stuff after events like that”. I make a mental note to do a little research about near death experiences. “Could you explain to me what happened? I think I am ready” I let out the breath I didn’t even know I was holding in.
“Well we were at the golf course like you know, getting ready for mini golf and we had done some coke before Zach and Ashley showed up. When they got there we decided to do a little more” he pauses, all of this I remember it becomes foggy after this though. “You kept telling me you wanted more and more and you are a hard person to turn down,” we both laugh knowing I am the most stubborn person you will ever meet. He continues on, “when we had finished blowing the lines we got out to smoke a cigarette and we were all talking and everything was normal. Next thing we know you were at the roadside looking up at the sky” a chill runs down my back because I have no recollection of this or anything after this point. “We all laughed because we thought you were pranking us. When you stopped responding to us and threw your arms out and started spinning in a circle I finally realized what was really happening. Zach screamed ‘she’s having a seizure!’ and we rushed to your side. We caught you before you hit the ground and you started to convulse, you had foam coming out of your mouth and your eyes rolled into the back of your head. We stuffed you in to my car and I drove as fast as I could to the hospital. I was sucking the foam out of your mouth so you could have a chance to breathe Sarah. I didn’t know what to do. Then all of a sudden you stopped, you looked straight into my eyes, your mouth wide open as if you were trying to scream for help. Then you stopped moving, you stopped breathing” he stops for a moment because the tears were beginning to fall, seeing him cry made me cry along with him. I know this is excruciating for him to relive. His jaw is broken and wired shut making his speech even more challenging for him.
“You died in my arms Sarah, right there. I felt your soul and life leaving you; I could feel it in my own soul. I was holding your lifeless body in my arms and this may sound terrible but all I could think was ‘I’m driving to the hospital with my dead girlfriend in my car’ I prayed to God as I held you in my arms kissing you good bye. I could barely breathe through my tears and screams. I never stopped screaming your name, begging you to come back to me. I prayed as hard as I could and then you came back to me” I held his arm gently, never wanting to let go in fear of slipping away again. We sat in silence yet again, no words needed to be exchanged we both knew how the other felt.
When I came to in the car I had no recollection of where I was, who I was, or what was happening. All I know is that John was screaming “Sarah!! You just had a seizure! You just died! Sarah!” None of the buildings around us seemed familiar, I was lost in my mind and it was terrifying. When we had arrived at the hospital John rushed me inside. When they hooked me up to a machine to watch my heart my heart rate was 180, it is normally about 80-90. I couldn’t breathe; I was convinced I was going to die…again. They had to inject me twice with Ativan to bring my heart down, they forced John to go home and calm down because he was giving himself panic attacks. Thinking back on it, it just seems like a flash back locked on fast forward. It was a frenzy of doctors, needles, and fear. Oh and to top it off I had peed my pants!
I had gone home that night and went to bed quickly not wanting to think about the fact that I had overdosed on cocaine. I am not that type of person; I don’t overdose on drugs and die. I was ashamed, confused, and terrified. I had died. I had no dreams that night and when John came to wake me up this morning I had not wanted to face the world. He brought me here, to the top of the world, so close to where I was momentarily yesterday, heaven.
I tried to think about death, it was weightless, peaceful, and white. Some may not believe me but as I sit here so close to the sky and yet so grounded, surrounded by nature I could feel it. It’s the hardest feeling to explain. I can feel my soul inside of me stronger than it has ever been yet so physically weak, yet I still felt weightless I didn’t need strength because the universe around me was keeping me afloat. I can feel my place in this thing we called life, I have never been surer of anything ever and I have never been happier or more grateful. I reach over to touch John, feel his warmth; I can feel the electricity of our souls uniting beneath our embrace. John, my love, my heart, my soul mate, and at this point my guardian angel.
“You wanna get going honey” he says gently, as if he speaks too loudly his words might blow me away. As we descend the mountain I feel myself being more and more grounded, more immersed in reality. “Do you remember what I said to you Sarah after you came back to us at the hospital?” he asks. “Not really, it’s all still foggy and chaotic”, I reply.
“I promised you Sarah, that we were done. We’ll never do drugs again. Your body was so weak you couldn’t even keep your eyes open, and every time they closed my heart dropped because I thought you were slipping away. That’s why they sent me home, I couldn’t handle that fear. I said my good byes to you Sarah I never thought I’d see you smile, hear your laugh. I didn’t think I would ever feel you against me again. All of your life and everything I love was gone. I could never endanger you like that, ever. I refuse to live without you.”
“You’re going to make me cry again babe”, I laugh but I know he’s right. I never want to see cocaine again for as long as I live. “Great way to spend first anniversary huh?” I joke. Our one year anniversary and I died.
BY SARAH KATHRYN POLO.
I would love HONEST opinions!! :]